you know that model sophie dahl? well, i had her brother, chick pea dhal, round for dinner last night.

clean shirts for work hanging in the bedroom

i've sulked for most of the day because darren shouted 'shit' quite loud near the sausages in the local supermarket this morning. the same local supermarket that once caused a friend to comment "it's like shopping in poland in the 1970's".

this is priceless and funny as fuck. someone has released an album called "shut up little man!" that documents the screaming fights between two drunken old guys living on welfare in a san francisco apartment (as heard and recorded by their next door neighbor). if you want to see what they look like, go to the unofficial "shut up little man!" website where there is all sorts of great raymond and peter documentation. it's hard to find the "shut up little man!" cd, but you can get it at the official "shut up little man!" website.

listen to ray talking nasty.

know your rights

a recent complaint by e-mail to 'pret a manger' regarding the lack of tuna in their french bread sandwich has resulted in ten quids worth of vouchers landing on my desk. result. see, it pays to be a moany git.

a group of gay turkish bears are causing a storm by organising a trip to the annual turkish wrestling championships in the turkish town of edirne. the wrestlers wear leather trousers and cover themselves in olive oil and stick their hands down each pants in order to 'get a grip'. the beastly authorities are trying to ban the bears from attending the event. all turkish men look gay to me anyway because they insist on growing those thick 1970's moustaches. if turkey are desperate to join the european union then they need to pull their human rights finger out. nice picture and story here.


turkish bears are here.

happy 75th birthday to you!

our friend tom from zurich is coming to stay with us this friday night. his sister is getting married on saturday and he has been summoned. last weekend he was at a colleauges wedding in the alsace region of france and the weekend before at another wedding in kent. sheesh, breeders! he must be spending a fortune on gifts and flights. ever since four weddings and a funeral came out it's been de rigeur to have a poof at your wedding and as tom has a bit of taste for champagne he's only too happy to oblige. "to the happy couple!".

i'm very excited about this. opens july 5th.

these bones are extremely phallic. are they not?

i remember that when i was at school my local lunchtime chippy used to do a chip roll for 10p if you couldn't afford 30p for a trayfull with a wooden fork. it also sold single ciggies for 5p. i didn't smoke. 50p used to get you a tray of chips 'n' gravy and a mars bar. i liked to nibble the chocolate off the top and sides of the mars. then i would roll the caramel off the top with my tongue leaving the mousse type part for last. happy days. i never bought a drink. i used to put my mouth under the cold tap in the boys toilet when i got back to school. you had to be careful doing this as some pricks thought it quite funny to boot folk up the arse while they were having a drink thereby smashing their front teeth. i made friends with the best fighter in the school (paul duff) and always went for a drink at the same time as him. oddly enough my dad broke paul duffs nose when he was sixteen. he came to see me one night and was wearing a full face hairy monkey mask when he knocked on the door (no, i have no idea why either). when my dad answered the door paul jumped up and down grunting (i think 'tarzan: legend of greystoke' was a popular movie at the time). my dad got such a fright that he lashed out at the 'monkey' and caught him bang in the middle of his face. he took paul to hospital then home to explain to his parents. pauls dad said "serves the stupid git right". my stock at school eased up a notch once the story got out. hurrah!

fuck! i've stopped smoking but now i have to stop eating chips too!

"GENEVA - There will be an emergency debate Tuesday at the World Health Organization on whether potato chips and french fries cause cancer.
The debate will centre on new studies that suggest potato chips and fries and certain types of bread may be carcinogenic. A WHO official has drawn attention to the debate, saying this isn't "just another food scare."
One study done in Sweden has shown that some starch-based foods contain acrylamide, which is used to purify water and to produce plastics and certain dyes. The study used animal experiments that suggested acrylamide is carcinogenic, and the danger of getting cancer with high levels taken over long periods of time.
The Swedish study says deep-fried and oven-baked potatoes are the most dangerous."

sour grapes

moby has stated that poor sales of his new album are down to his fans being more 'computer literate' than, let's say, britneys. he reckons a huge portion of his fanbase have downloaded his album instead of buying it. he says that weezer and pearl jam suffer this way too (strange that their recent output has been less than sensational too). he doesn't think the poor sales are because the album is crap. i do. well, it's not crap i suppose. it's certainly not as good as that last album and it's way better than what came before that one. but it's all a little bland, a bit samey, lazy sounding. get ya finger out pin-head!

its been an 'on then off' type of love affair since 1980. i bought a vespa pk 50 when i was 16. i sprayed it gold and joined my local scooter club in northumberland. that summer, we went on scooter rallys to scarborough, arbroath and north wales. thats a long way on a 50cc. i was never big on the mod thing (parkas, mirrors on the bike etc) and i didn't even like the music at the 'do's' that much (though i loved early ska and dub). i felt more affinity with 'scooter boys' rather than mods (buzz cuts, skinheads, flat tops, ma1 flying jackets, 1960's faded levi's, dr martin slip on's. i fell in love with someone new every week!) i kept that bike for a year till i was 17 then came across a px 125 in a mates coal shed. it was his dads in the 70's and was just gathering dust. he sold it to me for 50 quid and i pushed it the local bike garage hoping they could get it going. though the garage was run by scooter hating hairy bikers they did a grand job on the px. it kept me mobile for the next 2 years. happy days. fast forward 10 years and i've left 'oop north' and live in london and bought a brand new px 200 from r agius' shop on the edgeware road. that was totalled in an accident after a year so i bought another. i kept that for a year then had a mid life crisis (even though i was only 30!) and got into big bikes (proper motorbikes, some would say, but i wouldn't). anyway, i've been toying with the idea of getting another vespa. i see heaps of them when i drive to work in the morning and i get jealous. even an ugly fuck like me can look reasonably cool on a vespa.

sleepy now. been a long day. took some old garden fencing over to melinda (who works with darren) in south london. the traffic was shocking. she fed us chicken and salad which was great. we sat in her garden in the sun and ate and chatted and then ate more (she served fresh strawberries with cornish ice cream for desert, delish). me and darren then had to drive from lewisham to vauxhall to meet our friend rob at the afternoon club 'rocktronica' at dukes. we sat in the beer garden and talked about getting old. we're all looking forward to it. the dj played satellite of love by lou reed which proved how old we were as we all knew the words. oh dear. there was talk of buying retirement homes in british seaside towns. on the way home we called in at the 24hr bagel joint in brick lane for supper. just watched the osbournes and jackass on mtv (how very 'young' of me) and now off to bed. stupid weekend is over now. stupid job. stupid monday.

ECCE HOMO
these pictures just blew me away. utterly brilliant. twelve photographs of Jesus that upset the pope, and were banned by the european parliament. Ecce Homo is the most publicised swedish photography exhibition of the century. it consists of twelve pictures of Jesus in the company of homosexuals, and is inspired by biblical themes by artists such as Michelangelo, Doré and Caravaggio. look and be awed.

just got back from seeing spiderman. twas good for a popcorn movie. bruce campbell had a cameo in it. i thought spidermans first attempt at a 'disguise' was very funny. i used to have some pyjamas just like that.
oh, the gasman? forget it. i have.

the gas man is coming today to do the annual inspection on our boiler. images flashing through my mind of a handsome, rugged workman in very little denim shorts (well, it's quite muggy today) bending over to get some tools out of his box and waving his sweet, pert bum in the air..............when, in fact, it will be a 59 year old, chain smoking (yes! i know! and he works with gas!!!), greasy haired, pot bellied, ugly, dungaree wearing, father of eight from essex. never mind, as long as our gas appliances are safe, thats the main thing. isn't it?

aiden shaws answer to an interviewer who asked him why he never lets the man in his literature be a hero:

Are we talking about the same man who:
Abuses babies
Rapes old ladies
Promotes smoking, one of the biggest killers of his fellow man
Burn fossil fuels that erode our atmosphere
Tears down rainforests
Pollutes seas
Allows animals to become extinct
Gets children to work for pennies so we can have cheaper trainers
Who homogenize every culture he touches, until the world is bland.
Shall I go on? The list is endless. Man does not deserve to become the victor. Neither does he deserve respect. He barely deserves pity.

the sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

did you know that the inspiration for the beatles 'dear prudence' was mia farrows sister prudence? while the beatles were in india at the maharishis yogi retreat they came across prudence farrow who was also staying there. she was a bit of a loner and had hibernated in order to 'reach god quicker'. fool. anyway, lennon wrote dear prudence for her to try and coax her out. "dear prudence, won't you come out to play?". she didn't so they came back to england and released the white album. the end.

darren bought the jesus and mary chain singles album today. god, they were great for a while. i saw them at north london polytechnic in 1983. the first single on creation records, upside down, had just come out and they were the nme darlings. this was the gig where they came on stage and just leaned their one string guitars up against the amps and stared at the audience. the ear piercing feedback lasted ten minutes before the crowd threw anything they could get their hands on at the stage and pulled down the pa system. it really was a riot, you shoulda been there. when i came out i was so hyper i had to call someone and tell them about it. i called a mate in newcastle and woke his family up. i wasn't making any sense ("a riot? that was fun?") but i just had to register the fact that i attended something monumental. then six months later that first album came out and they were huge and even did top of the pops. fuckers.
off for a few beers at the local dump of a gay bar. well, it is happy hour.

nooooooooooooooo! audio galaxy has been destroyed!

anyone know a good alternative?

rejoice! she's coming to town

we have tickets for sandra bernhard at shepherds bush empire on 14 july. i saw 'without you i'm nothing' twice in 1995. the second time, at the royal festival hall (the first show was at the queens on shaftsbury avenue) was the best night out i had in 1995. honest. sandra is responsible for my 'valley of the dolls' fixation. in that show she did a classic sketch where she plays a very drunk jacqueline susann, "GET ME A REMY MARTIN NOW!".......just brilliant.

i go here when it all gets too much. (i dont actually GO there, i just shut my eyes and imagine i'm walking there on a warm day with darren and we're having a laugh and deciding where to go for dinner that night and which woody allen scene is our favourite and discussing our next coaster trip: you get the picture). sounds soppy but it calms me on wild days.

so, i got in from work at 5.45pm. the drive home was unmemorable. i ate a banana, took my clothes off, put the telepopmusik album on the soundsystem and then lay on the bed in the dark. bliss. it's been so hot at work today. air-conditioning is fucked. darren got home at 6.30 and we had thai chicken curry for dinner. darren washed up afterwards. really quickly.

make sure you do the dishes when you're alone

an american woman stabbed her boyfriend because he was washing the dishes too slowly, police say. she plunged a six inch kitchen knife into his back as he washed up. She wanted to go out and he was delaying her by taking too long doing the dishes. She is charged with assault and is in custody in billings, montana. she became angry with her boyfriend who she thought was taking too long washing up. he told police his girlfriend grabbed a kitchen knife, ran at him from behind and plunged the six inch blade into his back near the shoulder blade. after stabbing him she then kindly called an ambulance and helped to treat the wound until it arrived. the man is in a stable condition in hospital.
jeez, would she hack his legs off if he mowed the lawn too slow? women eh! can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em.
please strike that last comment from the record your honour. i love women really. some of my best friends are women. honest. *digs hole big enough to crawl in*.............

how freakin' cool are our MP's? god, it's nearly enough to make me proud to be british!

will i go to hell for showing you this?

went to the dump of a local gay bar to meet lucio and catch up over a few beers. which was nice. then me and darren drove down to vauxhall for rocktronica at dukes (the south london daddy-bear hang out). john the dj is an 'ex' of lucios and he has a great cd collection. fave songs he played tonight: the one from the yeah yeah yeahs where she sings "at the first sign you suck", hiroshima mon amour by ultravox, dj by bowie and main offender by the hives. we liked it. on the way home we called in at the 24 bagel joint in brick lane and bought salt beef sandwiches. delish. got home for the osbournes on mtv. fucking funny (the one where sharon fights with the neighbours).

darren poked the camera out of the car window as we sped past big ben tonight. this is the shot.

today i am Drogo Tighfield of Tookbank. who are you?

penalty shoot-outs. goodbye ireland, hello spain! lit the bbq this morning and grilled/burned some cumberland sausages. which we inserted into buns and gobbled up before the footy. i'm still in a 'garden type of mood' so i was out there at 8.30 this morning touching up the whitewashed walls and picking at the lawn. bit of cabin fever setting in now. need to get out but don't know where. a drive in the country? movies? dinner in shoreditch? sunday afternoon punk rock records in a south london gay bar? so many possibilities.......
poor darren still has a problem with his upper back and lower neck which gives him pain so i don't think we will be doing much for the rest of sunday.
do you know how good the electric soft parade album is? remember the smoking popes? well, it's better than them.
ooooooooo! a fwend just called and invited us to the local dump of a gay bar for an afternoon shandy. might as well. shall get the low down on the shy 24 year old from leeds who's been visiting him this weekend and has just been deposited on the train home.
"i never said you were old enough to be his dad" (though you are).

guess what? we didn't go out! had a nap, woke up cranky, ate dinner, went for a walk, bought beer and ice cream, watched psycho (the modern version), listening to tweet now, getting drunk to aid sleep while flicking through a catalogue of property for sale on the isle of skye.

not stopped odd-jobbing round the garden since i got up this morning. cut the grass, fixed the fence, painted window frames, killed ants, fed the lawn with nitrogen and chucked out a load of unsightly garden trash. didn't even stop to watch the footy. england won against denmark 3-0. hurrah! while i was pottering around the garden i could hear the cheers from all the surrrounding houses as each goal was scored. watched tv last night with a chinese takeaway. an early night was needed. hoping to go to duckie tonight but am getting old so will probably bottle out at 9pm and have another takeaway and watch tv. good god, i might as well live on a remote scottish island.

last night was fun. apart from the dreadful pop music racket that the pub blasted out all night. why do they play it so fucking loud? impossible to chat to anyone. i had to yell to be heard over kylie et al. stupid pub. anyway, apart from that it was a nice evening away from the sofa. it was richards birthday and his fella bought him a big ornament of two blokes intertwined or something like that. he didn't actually bring it the pub so i can only imagine what it looks like. pity he didn't ring someone before he went shopping; "shall i get richard this trip to new york or this lovely brass ornament?". oh well. i count my blessings because darren bought me a trip to barcelona for my birthday last year. needless to say richard has taken the brunt of all the piss taking today. poor thing. me and darren got home in time to watch big brother and tuck into pie and chips. oh, we bought him a t-shirt.
the readers wifes have their own website. hurrah! they are a beacon of light in this plastic, tanned orange, hard house, gym fuck-heads, crash and trade motherfuckers, hell hole we call queer london. who else could keep a dance floor filled while playing 'identity' by x ray spex, the theme from 'bless this house' and 'ghost in my house' by r dean taylor? no one else, thats who. they play at duckie every saturday.

off out boozing tonight. richard's birthday. celebrating in the duke of wellington in soho. did you know that soho used to be a hunting ground attached to westminster palace? and that the word 'soho' is what the beaters used to shout while the toffs were hunting? i didn't, fascinating eh? better go get something in my belly before we start.

bit of mutiny in the office today. boss's boss wants more people in the office between 9am and 5pm. we work semi flexible hours here and as long as you do the required amount every day no one can touch you. now though it looks like we have to start some sort of rota to ensure someone is here from 9am every day. blimey, like being back at school. we are going to suggest that we all work exactly 9 to 5. walking out at 5pm on the dot. which should fuck up the evening functions we usually have to attend for work. as well as the overseas trips to godforsaken parts of the world which involve 36 hour journeys at the weekend. bastards. we work mainly by e-mail, we have voice mail, why do we need to be in the office from 9am? time for a job change?

I JUST WENT TO NUMBER ONE IN THE CHARTS!!!!!!
well, the downtempo electronic chart on vitaminic.co.uk. well chuffed. i am. boston flight delayed has had over 3500 downloads. crikey.
though personally i would rather have six flags astroworld at the top. it sounds like london at 5am on a summer sunday morn.
just seen the new prodigy video on mtv. brilliant. scary. sick. welcome back. love the bit where keith gurgles with what looks like spunk. baby's got a temper!

so i just downloaded a load of vines songs. then took a listen before i put them onto a cd. apart from the last single, highly evolved (90 seconds long!), i didn't like it. can we have too much melodic grating guitar noise? i didn't used to think so but now i'm swithering. i love the hives, the strokes and even the yeah yeah yeahs but i've had enough. i wouldn't give a fuck if muse split up tomorrow because you know what, there are a thousand new bands out there who are just as good and could take their place. i think it's time for a re-fit. no more tight leather jackets, scrappy hair, ironic 70's t-shirts and beach boy melodies. where have all the punks gone? thank god for jarvis and pulp.

darren has a sore neck and is off work. i think we need to move our tv to directly in front of the sofa. where it is now we have to sit with our necks turned to the right to watch telly. which is obviously not right yet doesn't seem to be uncomfortable while we are doing it. who knows.
six feet under started last night and it was fucking excellent. such clever caustic writing. just beautiful.

it's been a private press type of weekend

the dj shadow album is the dogs bollox. fantastic. download it now. i've played it all weekend all over the house and it's best on headphones. he is still the jimmy paige of the sampler. and a looker too. see below.
got drunk on saturday afternoon in the local dump of a gay bar with darren, rob and lucio. which meant we were fucked by 8pm so didn't make it to duckie. which is a pity cos we haven't been for weeks to hear the readers wifes play their punk rock records. when we drove rob home (i'd sobered up by then) he was leaning out of the car windows shouting 'scrubbers' at the top of his voice at pedestrians. just like richard e grant in withnail and i.
watched chopper in bed this morning. excellent. eric bana - phwooaaarrrrrr! i wonder if bj has seen it?
japan beat russia in the world cup this morning and the news tonight carried some fantastic rioting in moscow. boy, were they mad at losing. thousands of 'hooligans' went berserk and caused havoc but the best bits were the pics of the police beating up anyone they got their hands on. priceless. it's such a fucked up place (russia) (i know it well) and todays riots reminded me of how useless the fuckers were at anything revolutionary approx. 100 years ago. shoulda kept their royals and then they could have had a 2 day day bank holiday for the golden jubilee. like what we did last week.
tonight i have downloaded most of the contents of jockohomo's march play list and i shall play it at work tomorrow. he has great taste.

how does asparagus do that?

one nil. we won. i didn't watch it though. everyone at work went to the pub to watch the match. i stayed in the office to answer the phones. what a gem eh. last night i downloaded cd1 of the trojan dub box set. fab 70's dub mixes from the trojan label. it's such a cool sexy label and reminds me of ox blood dr martins faded levis, button down collar white shirts and braces.

of course, i was far too young to join in with the above type of behaviour in the 70's. but the good thing is i really remember the music and it conjours up images of my uncle george visiting us (he would be about 18, i would be about 10) in his full skinhead gear and his tapes of trojan sounds such as skinhead moonstomp and long shot kick de bucket. oh and i fell in love with vespas in the 70's.

freakin' june and it's pissing down. makes riding my motorbike to work a challenge. still, i'd rather get soaked every day than ride the underground. takes me an hour door to door to get to work if i use the tube but only half an hour on my trusty honda cg. no contest really. i bought the bike last year after hunting down a japanese import because the new european styling for the cg is very clunky looking. the japs haven't changed their design since the seventies and the bike reminds me of old episodes of the dukes of hazard (no, i don't look like daisy duke).

back safely from germany. no thanks to buzz and their flight from hell on tuesday night from frankfurt. actually it wasn't their fault, it was the sultry weather causing severe turbulence. our four day mini-tour was excellent. everything worked like clockwork (as it should in germany) and our goals were achieved (world cup pun intended).