Friday, February 21

*Don't start the war without me*

I'm currently packing the Vuitton trunk for our trip to LA and Vegas tomorrow (actually, it's a Tesco carrier bag but I'm a homo with aspirations). Neil is going on and on and on about positive role models and I'm onto the 4th level of The Getaway. I gotta murder a bunch of art terrorists in the Serpentine Gallery. Pie and chips repeating on me. 3 Nytol before the flight should see me dozing over the pole and into LAX. El Segundo on Saturday night. Let's hope we don't leave our wallets. Back in 7 days.

Thursday, February 20

Barry loved a trip to the lake in Olive.

This is a lovely heartwarming site.

"Nowhere else on the web will you find such dedication to these poor, confused animals. Where are they being taken? Will they be coming back? What happens if they need to go to the toilet?"

Click on gallery 34 and reach for the kleenex.

Tuesday, February 18


What's he dreaming about?
Remember when advertising just used gratuitous female nudity to sell us stuff? *Dave grabs his coat and heads out to the bookies*

Monday, February 17

Readers Wifes play Madame JO JO's on 6th April 2003.
Please read.

Sunday, February 16

Went to see The Hours this afternoon. Very good. Not an upbeat movie with a happy ending (just how we like 'em). It’s an introspective, sad and depressing look at three women’s lives linked in a profound way by a novel, Mrs. Dalloway.
How many women are unhappy with who they are and with the lives they are living? Millions. How many women secretly feel they are bad mothers, wives or friends, and hate passionately the role or path they’ve chosen or have been given in life? Millions. How many women don’t get help when they feel ashamed of their problems and give up on living as a result of their feelings or thoughts? Millions. Nowhere in this story is there a positive, helpful, or hopeful solution to the dilemmas these characters face. Just an introspective look at three women who needed answers and tragically, didn’t get them.
I kept staring at Kidmans nose every time she was on screen and I was overly intrigued and aware of the special make-up they used to make it look Woolf-esque. She delivers an incredible performance of a woman deeply disturbed and tormented by her own demons and depression (made worse apparently by living in Richmond, South-West London, hahahahaha!) and unable to cope with her life. In fact, there wasn't a stinky piece of acting in the whole film.
It's a beautifully filmed movie with an emotionally disturbing story, an incredible cast, a great musical score, and Oscars written all over it.

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I'd totally forgotten just how good Killing Joke by Killing Joke was. Playing it now. Wow.
This time next week we will be at Magic Mountain in LA hurtling towards the ground from untold heights on one of these. Hurrah! Then we're gonna play the slots for five days here while dressed as Arthur and Guinevere.
Tacky? Moi? You bet!
Readers Wifes (the pop group) played at Duckie last night. Place was packed with new faces and a lot of them didn't bat for our team if you know what I mean. Still, we don't want to turn our glamorous nightlife into a ghetto (there's quite enough of that over the river in SOHO, or SOSHIT as we call it round here). Apart from 'Bitch at the Brits' I hadn't heard any of their material. Nice punchy electro sound with funny lyrics about boys, smoking, the Old Kent Road and other shitty aspects of a homo's London life. The band looked great in white t-shirts and pin stripe suits, very Oxfam-formal. They went down a storm and the single is out tomorrow (apparently it's number 1 on the Amazon pre-order chart). I found this review for the song on the Boomkat website this morning:

Erm, a strange one, this is one of those releases that reinforces our opinion that a certain aspect of 80’s pop culture should remain 6 feet under and rotting, please buy this release and burn it while chanting voodoo charms on the sad mullet wearing freaks that perpetuate this soulless excuse for music/fashion. Destroy at your leisure. Rank.

The kind of review that the Readers Wifes will cut-out, frame and cherish. Bless 'em.





Saturday, February 15

I watched 'A Ma Soeur' this afternoon. God, it's good. I remember all the fuss at the time of it's release but had forgotten about it. Then he walked onto the screen with a hard-on. A real hard-on! In a 'proper' film. Nearly dropped me plate of beans on toast. Anyway, that shock was nothing compared to the last five minutes of the film. Stunning. The two kids who played the sisters were incredible and I guess that there are few Hollywood child actors (not to mention adult ones too) who could pull off anything close to what those two did. This should be on the syllabus in every school.

Friday, February 14

I love it when I come across a new blog and the writing is great and the design is cool and efficient. I like to read through some archives, take a peek at the comments from other readers and generally worm my way into the life of the person. Then I get excited when I see that in their sidebar is a link called 'gallery'. Woo hoo! pics! Then I look at 'em. Pebbles, rock pools, friends dogs, deserted beaches, trains, sunsets and feet! Where are the images of the writer? His friends? The folk he's having a pop at? The parties he's been to? His home? Surely when you start a blog and promote it you have some sort of longing to share your life with strangers? Those pebbles and sunsets tell me nothing about you other than your ability to point a camera at something you thought was pwitty. I think the 'gallery' should reveal more about the writer rather than his boring, artistic longings.
Sorry, I'll get me coat.

Wednesday, February 12

You get a good 'filling' at this dentist in Spain....

Tuesday, February 11

Don't tell your man what he don't do right
nor tell him all the things that make you cry.
But check yourself for your own shit
and don't be making out that it's all his.
Take a look around the world
you see such mad things happening.
There are a few good men
ask yourself if he is one of them.

Special Cases by Massive Attack from 100th Window

I hope it won't come to this. But if my PC continues to annoy the fuck out of me I'm gonna blow his pretty little brains out.

Monday, February 10

My weak end
My PC crashed and burned on Saturday night. Internal power supply problems. Won't get fixed till mid-week. What a pisser. Shocking how much I rely on it for home entertainment. Rob popped round for coffee and a spot of crochet on Saturday afternoon. We're making a 'quilt for peace'.

'Catch Me If You Can' yesterday. Liked it. Quite a misogynist movie. The women in the film are rotten:
* Leonardo's French mum is a coniving cow who left France not for Christopher Walken (the dad) but for an American life.
* a girl he meets in a hotel and wants to fuck turns out to be a high class hooker (this is ok though as she gets ripped off by him in turn)
* his girlfriend rats him out to the cops
* Tom Hanks ex-wife is never seen but portrayed as an evil bitch who makes him spend Christmas alone and restricts access to his daughter.
See? just plain evil.
One of Tom Hanks' deputies was a horny stunna called Frank John Hughes. Jet black hair, black single breasted 3 button skinny leg suit and specs. Woof woof! Here's a pic of him (from Band of Brothers, which I didn't watch).

Happy birtday to you!

Friday, February 7

The answer to the music question below is this:



Some big 70's flares and a shirt by Brutus would be good too. Oh, and a wrap of whizz for those all-nighters at Wigan Casino or the Mecca in Blackpool.
Confused? Read more here.
Anyone remember the bike theft public information film? Lots of clips of people reporting stolen bikes at a police station.

boy 1: - It's red with white handlebars...
boy 2 :- No it's white with red handlebars...
man in a suit: - What do you mean? a bike's a bike..How do you describe a bike ?
man with camp voice:- I'd rather not say what's in the saddlebag... it's personal....!

Then the punchline - peeved looking PC says:-
You won't believe this Sarge - someone's just nicked me bike!

I used to go to the local YMCA when I was a toddler (is it any wonder I grew up like this). I was in the Tufty Club and our local chapter was held there. Tufty was a squirrel who taught small children to cross roads safely. We had a big paper zebra crossing (actually a roll of wallpaper painted black and white) and pedal cars to use as traffic. We took turns crossing the road and driving the cars (you have no idea how many 4 year olds had bruised shins from collisions with pedal cars). I obviously paid no attention as I was knocked down by a car when I was 5, an accident which broke my ribs and punctured my lungs. Stupid Tufty.
Click here to play a game based on the original 60's game by Spears and The Royal Society For The Prevention Of Accidents (Tuftys shadowy organisation devoted to squirrel world domination). Click on Tufty's head to hear him talk! Scary.

Did you know that Kenny Everett voiced Charley in those famously bad public info films?

Joe and Petunia

Thursday, February 6

Popbitch had a link to the Readers Wifes video for their single 'Bitch at the Brits' but have now taken it down as it was too popular. Drat! I was gonna have a shufty tonight. Bitch at the Brits will be the first release on Popbitch records. I love the Readers Wifes. So does Jonathan Ross (apparently).

Which bathroom product do I need to fully enjoy songs by Patrice Holloway, Jerry Williams, Bobby Paris, JD Martin, The Fuzz, Dean Parrish, Doris Troy, Bobby Bland, Kim Weston, Wendy Rene, Nella Dodds, The Ideals, Cody Black, Jackie Beavers, Sam Ward, Rosco Robinson, The Invitations, Maxine Brown, Eddie Holman, Betty Everett and The Devonnes?
You will know the answer to this so give someone else a chance you swot!

Wednesday, February 5

There we were, tucking into a pie or three at a service station on the M6, when who should approach us and demand a photo opportunity? Westlife! Fuckin' stalkers.


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Stunning news to report! The worlds tallest rollercoaster will open later this year. At over 400ft (43 storeys high), Top Thrill Dragster will hit a top speed of 120mph and feature a 90 degree, 400ft drop. This is the view from atop the tallest point (look if you dare!). That's our summer holiday worked out this year.

We have a Technics multi cd player thingy which holds 110 discs. Last year before Christmas we emptied the machine and put all the old cd's back into their boxes. It's only the beginning of February and the darn thing is nearly half full again with Christmas presents and sale bargains.
The best thing about the machine is that when it is activated in random mode it selects a cd and then a track at random and plays it. It's just like having your own private radio station without the annoying banter in between the songs (I'm perfectly capable of producing my own annoying banter). Here's the current playlist on Spellcnut FM:
1. DIRTY VEGAS
2. UNDERWORLD-HUNDRED DAYS OFF
3. BJORK-GREATEST HITS
4. VARIOUS-IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS RHYTHM
5. CLASH-DISC 1
6. CLASH-DISC 2
7. CLASH-DISC 3
8. SUEDE-A NEW MORNING
9. THE JAM-SNAP
10. LEMON JELLY-LOST HORIZONS
11. SOFT CELL-CRUELTY WITHOUT BEAUTY
12. MISSY ELLIOTT-UNDER CONSTRUCTION
13. McALMONT AND BUTLER-BRING IT BACK
14. ROYKSOPP-MELODY AM
15. MOBY-18
16. MANIC STREET PREACHERS-FOREVER DELAYED
17. CBGB'S BIRTH OF PUNK
18. ORANGE JUICE-BEST OF
19. PENETRATION - DON'T DICTATE
20. LADYTRON - LIGHT AND MAGIC
21. JOSEF K - YOUNG AND STUPID
22. RAMONES - DISC 1
23. RAMONES - DISC 2
24. DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNERS - 1ST AND 3RD ALBUMS
25. PEACHES - THE TEACHES OF PEACHES
26. CHI LITES - BEST OF
27. KING TUBBY - 1973-1976 DISC ONE
28. KING TUBBY - 1973-1976 DISC TWO
29. PINK - MISSUNDAZTOOD
30. ELVIS COSTELLO - BEST OF DISC ONE
31. ELVIS COSTELLO - BEST OF DISC TWO
32. ESG BJORK GIRLS ON TOP 12"
33. LIZZY MERCIER DESCLOUX - PRESS COLOR. GRACE JONES
- NIGHTCLUBBING
34. FEEDER - COMFORT IN SOUND
35. FOO FIGHTERS - ONE BY ONE
36. THE MUSIC - THE MUSIC
37. ELTON JOHN - BEST OF... DISC 1
38. ELTON JOHN - BEST OF... DISC 2
39. DAVID BOWIE - BEST OF... DISC 1
40. DAVID BOWIE - BEST OF... DISC 2
41. NEW ORDER - RETRO - POP
42. NEW ORDER - RETRO - FAN
43. NEW ORDER - RETRO - CLUB
44. NEW ORDER - RETRO - LIVE
45. FLEETWOOD MAC - VERY BEST OF - DISC 1
46. FLEETWOOD MAC - VERY BEST OF - DISC 2

Tuesday, February 4

Back from the frozen North. Showed Darren the sights of Ashington. That took ten minutes. Brilliant picnic in sub-zero conditions near Haltwhistle, overlooking the Pennines. Stunning sight-seeing-scenery-stuff as we cut through the Lake District and down into Lancashire. Mams and Dads were very hospitable (though both sets of parents thought it 'best' if we slept in single beds!). Had fun and didn't expect to. Which is nice.

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Was anyone else scared shitless by
Raggety when they were a kid?
Or even now?