Friday, May 30


Indolent, idle, lazy, lethargic, languid, sluggish, slothful.

Sunday, May 25

I didn't watch Eurovision.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
The TV remained off all night.
There was a gorgeous purple sky last night at 9pm.
Just ask Edward.
Drunks with kebabs.
Cheap meat.

Thursday, May 22

From todays message board on Popbitch....

Found this on the first page of Gynaecology charity website....
"Firstly, a little about Gynae C. The group was set up in October 1995 by myself, Helen Jackson, as at that time, and still now, there was a gaping hole in support for women with any form of gynaecological cancer."


I think they may have a vacancy for a proof reader!

(and while we're on the subject of proof readers, I hope you are all wearing black arm bands in memory of the sacked sub-editor who let the Daily Telegraph go to print with the word 'skycraper' in a front page headline instead of 'skyscraper').
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A colleague of a colleague is taking her husband on a surprise trip to Sweden "because he used to like the band - Europe"
Is this the stupidest reason ever for going to a snow-covered suicide hot-spot?
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Yesterday I was summoned to Mansion House by the Lord Mayor. He wanted investment information for a trip he's planning in September with a bunch of pinstriped banking cnuts. We talked in the Old Ballroom which reminded me of those huge ballrooms you see in movies set in New Orleans starring Bette Davis. In fact, I actually felt like Jezebel as I was wearing chino's and an open neck shirt and he was in a very smart charcoal grey single breasted suit.
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No wonder Darren loves 'Pirates of the Caribbean' at Disneyland.

Tuesday, May 20

Airport porn is apparently very good value.... *taps nose*
In Malaga airport recently I was surprised to see, among the copies of Hello, Vogue and Golf Digest, a cheap video for sale called 'Goat Fuck'. Very modern these Europeans. And, while we're on the subject of Spain, have you see this photo of the Spanish rowing team at the recent world championships?

A man walks into a chip shop with a trout under his arm..
"Do you do fishcakes?" the man says
"Yes" said the shop owner.
"Well can you do one for him cos it's his birthday tomorrow.."

Sunday, May 18



Drove to Blackpool yesterday. Our car was sick so we hired a Rover 400. Which was very nice. Pissed down in Blackpool but we did what we needed to (all will become clear in the next few weeks) then had a stroll down the prom, ate chips, showed Edward the sea (nonplussed but he was obsessed by the horses that run up and down the prom pulling carriages), ate delicious home made ice cream and then set off for London. We stopped for a cup of tea at Darren's parents in Skelmersdale on the way home but Edward wasn't very friendly with their cocker spaniel so we left (actually, Edward tried to kill him). Home by 9, pizza and Fried Green Tomatoes then bed. What a lovely day.

Thursday, May 15

In Bournemouth my boss's boss argued with and then tipped a member of his staff out of his chair and then chucked a pint over him. This normally very reserved gentleman then stormed out of the hotel bar shouting "and don't bother speaking to me tomorrow you fucking cunt". I was impressed.

equation: senior civil servants + junior civil servants + alcohol + forced 'friendliness' = pre-prandial team building wrecking exercise.

I liberated the following items from my room at the very posh hotel:
this months Elle magazine *
this months Red magazine
this months National Geographic magazine
spa therapy bathroom products from Gilchrist & Soames
the Independent newspaper
some shortbread
a pen

I can recommend the private dining rooms and the Dorset lamb, the 1994 Shiraz, the views from the roof, the cumberland breakfast sausage, the cliff-top gardens and the in-room playstation 2's.

* Great article on how 'natural' cellulite is and how even some celebrities suffer from it! Followed by 230 pages featuring models with NO cellulite.

Wednesday, May 14

None of these are work safe....

Do you like my new hat?

I love a good wild west stunt show.

I know I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever be this manly. Strangely, this doesn't depress me.

Monday, May 12

Off to Bournemouth tomorrow with work colleagues for one of those awful team building things. We all have to take along an object that reveals something about us that the others don't know. I'm a bit of an open book at work, there's nowt about me that they don't know, so what should I take? I'm not leaving till 10am on Tuesday morning so let me know before then please.

Sunday, May 11

The giddy glamour of my life...
Saturday: ate chips and downloaded the new Moloko album.
Sunday: walked the dog and played roller coaster tycoon 2.

Friday, May 9

Frankly, I find the minutia of everyday life much more interesting than the glaring important life changing events that shape our lives.
He said this and I agree with him.

My new favourite record label. A big thank you to my rollercoaster riding buddy Jocko for alerting me to the genius of Cock Rock Disco. Just take a listen to those Donna Summer mp3's NOW! (fear not, tis not actually her)

Thursday, May 8

Cats are wicked
Dogs are noble
Cats are drag queens
Dogs are premiership footballers
Cats are women
Dogs are men
Cats look down on you
Dogs look up to you
Only pigs think of us as equals.


Edward is tracing his family tree and has discovered that his great great great grandfather was a 'trench-ratter' in the first world war.

Be warned
Some people press the 'please wait' button at a pedestrian crossing but then cross before the green man gives them permission. Certain people on their motorbikes are then forced to stop by a red light at a pedestrian crossing which has no pedestrians on it. A new law has been passed which now gives bikers the right to drive onto the pavement and smash into the impatient fucka who held them up. This also applies to those pram-faced cnuts who can't walk past a 'please wait' button without pushing it (even when they are not intending to cross the road). Be warned.

Tuesday, May 6

Scary e-bay auction
Scroll down and read the description for this item on e-bay. It's a movie waiting to happen.
Took mum to Bluewater yesterday. The bank holiday traffic never materialised and we got there in just over thirty minutes. This looked lovely in the morning sunlight as we sped across. We all window shopped and had lunch at Ed's diner. There was some marvelous Kent totty in the mall but we had to curb our oooo's and ahhhh's because of my mother.
We stopped off at a pet superstore on the way home to buy treats for Edward as he had his testicles removed last week and needs cheering up. We bought him two hard bouncy balls in a bag and I swear that when we gave them to him at home he looked at us with a "I suppose you think that's funny" face.

Monday, May 5

Years ago I used to tell folk that Brian Cant was the third richest man in Britain. After their "wow, really's" they would then come up with the justificatians for it.
The internet has spoilt this kind of fun.

My mother has arrived. We picked her up from Kings Cross in the car which we parked outside Central Station (the pub not the thing where the trains stop). On the way back to the car she tripped and fell. I was walking in front of her so carried on walking and muttering to her, oblivious to the fact that she was sprawled on the dusty pavement nursing a cut hand. Doctor Darren was behind my mum so used his big arms to hoist her up and get her moving again. She now has an elastoplast on her hand. Clumsy cow.
Gotta entertain her today but not got a clue what to do. Bluewater? V&A art deco exhibition? Lunch in the country? Ask her to catalogue our VHS porno collection? (work safe)

Thursday, May 1

Safety Notice
Dark coloured bog roll and dyed blue loo water are a health hazard as they prevent you from seeing the blood that might be in your stools caused by colon cancer. They are also signs of terminal councilness.