Thursday, December 30
A pinhead looks back at 2004.
(read aloud to the tune of 'Angie' by the Stones)
Villains of the year - Snow Patrol and Embrace
Chav of the year - Mike Skinner (Dylan Jones in todays Independant - 'men who wear hooded tops are thugs and you should cross the road to avoid them....youth cults used to concern themselves with bold statements and grandstanding and were all about trying to draw attention to yourself....blokes in hooded tops are not pledging allegiance to a tribe, what they're doing is disguising themselves so we can't identify them when they steal our watches')
Album of the year - You Are The Quarry by Morrissey (Franz, Killers, Mylo not far behind)
Film of the year - Lost In Translation
Gigs of the year - Scissor Sisters at Disney World and The Go! Team at Camden Barfly
Read of the year - The Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler
Smacked-across-the-face moment of 2004 - hitting 40 and hoping I have another 40 left
Meal of the year - mixed grill at the Ivy
Art show of the year -fuck off! do I look like a fucking homo? Hopper at the Tate Modern and Viv Westwood at the V&A
TV show of the year - UK - Coronation Street, USA - The Sopranos
Shop of the year - Marks and Spencer (runner up - Ebay)
Terrorist of the year - too many of the fuckers to choose from (shall I be predictable and say Bush/Blair?)
Rollercoaster of the year - slim pickings this year but I think I'll plump for Oblivion at Alton Towers as it still carries the power to remove my breath (as proved in October)
Comeback of the year - King Morrissey
Heroes of the year - the Little Britain boys (I'd love a long drive to Aberdeen in a luxury Lexus with David and Matt)
Bore of the year - Pete Doherty
End of the year moments of hope - what could I possibly hope for when the overwhelming surge of hope from the disaster of 2004 is still flooding over me?....just a bit of peace and quiet for everyone.
(read aloud to the tune of 'Angie' by the Stones)
Villains of the year - Snow Patrol and Embrace
Chav of the year - Mike Skinner (Dylan Jones in todays Independant - 'men who wear hooded tops are thugs and you should cross the road to avoid them....youth cults used to concern themselves with bold statements and grandstanding and were all about trying to draw attention to yourself....blokes in hooded tops are not pledging allegiance to a tribe, what they're doing is disguising themselves so we can't identify them when they steal our watches')
Album of the year - You Are The Quarry by Morrissey (Franz, Killers, Mylo not far behind)
Film of the year - Lost In Translation
Gigs of the year - Scissor Sisters at Disney World and The Go! Team at Camden Barfly
Read of the year - The Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler
Smacked-across-the-face moment of 2004 - hitting 40 and hoping I have another 40 left
Meal of the year - mixed grill at the Ivy
Art show of the year -
TV show of the year - UK - Coronation Street, USA - The Sopranos
Shop of the year - Marks and Spencer (runner up - Ebay)
Terrorist of the year - too many of the fuckers to choose from (shall I be predictable and say Bush/Blair?)
Rollercoaster of the year - slim pickings this year but I think I'll plump for Oblivion at Alton Towers as it still carries the power to remove my breath (as proved in October)
Comeback of the year - King Morrissey
Heroes of the year - the Little Britain boys (I'd love a long drive to Aberdeen in a luxury Lexus with David and Matt)
Bore of the year - Pete Doherty
End of the year moments of hope - what could I possibly hope for when the overwhelming surge of hope from the disaster of 2004 is still flooding over me?....just a bit of peace and quiet for everyone.
Wednesday, December 29
Back at work. We had a white Christmas in Blackpool. Big flaky lumps of snow fell during dinner at Darrens parents. Very pwitty. The snow storm raged on into the evening and sensible driving made us late returning to our house for the Christmas day episode of Coronation Street (caught most of it though, what a corker!). It rarely snows in Blackpool (or even gets down to zero) and hasn’t done so for nine years (“I was pregnant with Chantelle that winter so that’s how I remember” – next-door neighbour). It was all gone by Boxing Day so weather related fuss was minimal.
We watched telly, ate far too much, took bracing walks on the prom, watched telly, entertained my Mum and Dad, ate some more, watched telly, got electrocuted, fell asleep during the ‘must-see’telly, opened gifts, applied lotions and potions and scents, visited loved ones in hospital, watched telly, failed to spend Christmas money in the sales so ate the telly and watched some food. We had fun and even enjoyed the crappier bits because of those “we don’t know how lucky we are” moments (caused by the terrible news from the Indian Ocean).
We watched telly, ate far too much, took bracing walks on the prom, watched telly, entertained my Mum and Dad, ate some more, watched telly, got electrocuted, fell asleep during the ‘must-see’telly, opened gifts, applied lotions and potions and scents, visited loved ones in hospital, watched telly, failed to spend Christmas money in the sales so ate the telly and watched some food. We had fun and even enjoyed the crappier bits because of those “we don’t know how lucky we are” moments (caused by the terrible news from the Indian Ocean).
Wednesday, December 22
Looking after the pennies.
We bought an annual pass for the four theme parks at Walt Disney World. Total cost was $403. The ten day pass would have been $360. Parking each day at the parks would have been $8 but was free to annual passholders. This was a saving of $88 as we went to the parks eleven times. Annual passholders also get 10% discount at various swish restaurants and shops within WDW and we saved a further $62 utilising this. Total savings were $140 which meant our annual pass only cost us $263 (£142). AND we plan to go back next November two weeks before our annual pass expires and we won’t have any entrance fees or parking to pay for! Hope you’re proud of us.
Coming soon: my huge essay on the architecture of reassurance and theme park criticism and strategies. Bet you can't wait.
We bought an annual pass for the four theme parks at Walt Disney World. Total cost was $403. The ten day pass would have been $360. Parking each day at the parks would have been $8 but was free to annual passholders. This was a saving of $88 as we went to the parks eleven times. Annual passholders also get 10% discount at various swish restaurants and shops within WDW and we saved a further $62 utilising this. Total savings were $140 which meant our annual pass only cost us $263 (£142). AND we plan to go back next November two weeks before our annual pass expires and we won’t have any entrance fees or parking to pay for! Hope you’re proud of us.
Coming soon: my huge essay on the architecture of reassurance and theme park criticism and strategies. Bet you can't wait.
Tuesday, December 21
We’d never seen a Cirque Du Soleil show before. We knew they were meant to be spectacular but the ridiculously high prices had always put us off. However, we booked two good seats for La Nouba months before we left for Florida (the favourable exchange rate meant that it was much cheaper than seeing them here in the UK). La Nouba was designed specifically for Disney World and has it’s home in an enormous and eye-popping purpose built theatre in Downtown Disney. Every show is always sold out so when you walk into that gigantic theatre the most overwhelming detail is just how much money is involved.
Then the show starts. And when it’s over you know that you would have paid twice as much to witness what you’ve just seen. I could ramble on for ages about the various elements of the evening but it wouldn’t do it justice. Lets just say that if Fellini, Caro and Jeunet, the fella who made Crouching Tiger, the extreme sports channel, the Russian Olympic gymnastics team, Jean Paul Gaultier and Jacques Tati all got together to put on a stage show it would look just like La Nouba. Breathtaking is an over used description these days but unfortunately that's exactly what we were.
The finale
Camp-as-Christmas clown/acrobats
Killer thighs
this bit is wheely wheely great
So many things were happening at the same time that it was easy to forget that all the lovely music was actually live
Then the show starts. And when it’s over you know that you would have paid twice as much to witness what you’ve just seen. I could ramble on for ages about the various elements of the evening but it wouldn’t do it justice. Lets just say that if Fellini, Caro and Jeunet, the fella who made Crouching Tiger, the extreme sports channel, the Russian Olympic gymnastics team, Jean Paul Gaultier and Jacques Tati all got together to put on a stage show it would look just like La Nouba. Breathtaking is an over used description these days but unfortunately that's exactly what we were.
The finale
Camp-as-Christmas clown/acrobats
Killer thighs
this bit is wheely wheely great
So many things were happening at the same time that it was easy to forget that all the lovely music was actually live
Monday, December 20
Cypress Gardens is the original Florida theme park. Opened over 60 years ago before Mickey arrived to drain the swamps. It was a very genteel affair with beautiful manicured gardens, water-ski shows on its huge lake, Southern Belles from Gone With The Wind wandering around in big gowns, a butterfly aviary and food stalls featuring ‘Southern’ cuisine (roadkill). At it’s peak in the 50’s and 60’s it was featured in TV shows such as Johnny Carson where Johnny famously water-ski’d on the lake using two sexy boys as his ski’s.
As Disney World expanded fewer folk visited Cypress Gardens and it closed down in a state of shambles in 2003. The owner of a small theme park in Georgia bought the dilapidated park soon after it closed and set about transforming the place to something a bit more modern while retaining that retro and refined mood. Cypress Gardens reopened while we there and we went along on the official opening day. The hurricanes earlier in the year had taken their toll on the gardens but you can tell that they will be stunning after a few months tender loving care. The Southern Belles are still strolling around and the roadkill restaurant has been replaced by BBQ and burgers. The biggest change has been the addition of lots of old fashioned thrill rides set in a boardwalk type of atmosphere. This part of the park will be its saviour as the rides look great in their new setting and should encourage families to visit instead of the predominately elderly customers they used to get. The brand new wooden roller coaster is beautiful. It’s called The Triple Hurricane (in honour of surviving the three hurricanes during its construction). It’s not big and it’s not very fast but it has a classic out-and-back design with lovely steep drops on its outward journey and smooth rolling hills on its return. The park was practically empty on its opening day so we just kept riding round and round on the coaster as no one was waiting for our seats. They’ve added a ferris wheel, two steel family-type roller coasters and several traditional water-based roller coaster type slides (one of which sent us hurtling and spinning round hair-pin bends far too fast, luckily we hadn’t eaten). We loved the way 99% of the folk working at the park were over 65 (even the Triple Hurricane operatives).
We had a brilliant day at Cypress Gardens and will definitely visit again.
As Disney World expanded fewer folk visited Cypress Gardens and it closed down in a state of shambles in 2003. The owner of a small theme park in Georgia bought the dilapidated park soon after it closed and set about transforming the place to something a bit more modern while retaining that retro and refined mood. Cypress Gardens reopened while we there and we went along on the official opening day. The hurricanes earlier in the year had taken their toll on the gardens but you can tell that they will be stunning after a few months tender loving care. The Southern Belles are still strolling around and the roadkill restaurant has been replaced by BBQ and burgers. The biggest change has been the addition of lots of old fashioned thrill rides set in a boardwalk type of atmosphere. This part of the park will be its saviour as the rides look great in their new setting and should encourage families to visit instead of the predominately elderly customers they used to get. The brand new wooden roller coaster is beautiful. It’s called The Triple Hurricane (in honour of surviving the three hurricanes during its construction). It’s not big and it’s not very fast but it has a classic out-and-back design with lovely steep drops on its outward journey and smooth rolling hills on its return. The park was practically empty on its opening day so we just kept riding round and round on the coaster as no one was waiting for our seats. They’ve added a ferris wheel, two steel family-type roller coasters and several traditional water-based roller coaster type slides (one of which sent us hurtling and spinning round hair-pin bends far too fast, luckily we hadn’t eaten). We loved the way 99% of the folk working at the park were over 65 (even the Triple Hurricane operatives).
We had a brilliant day at Cypress Gardens and will definitely visit again.
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Friday, December 17
We saw Alexander at the cinema on holiday. The critics have focussed on the lack of love action between Alexander and his 'tricks' but I felt that this didn't spoil the film. The shitty script spoiled it for me. To his credit, Mr Stone leaves us in no doubt where Alexanders orientation lies. Colin Farrell plays the roaring homo part very well (god knows what he sees in Jared Leto) and his thighs should get a credit all of their own in the closing titles. It's very colourful, noisy and camp (how could it not be camp when Val Kilmer and Angelina Jolie play his Mum and Dad). Nice to see the fella in the wheelchair from The Book Group in a big Hollywood movie.
We also saw The Incredibles. Brilliant. Mr Incredible was a bit tasty! (voiced by the Dad from Poltergeist). We loved Edna E Mode the fashion designer (voiced by the Director, Brad Bird). She just about stole the show, which is no mean feat in a class act like this.
We also saw The Incredibles. Brilliant. Mr Incredible was a bit tasty! (voiced by the Dad from Poltergeist). We loved Edna E Mode the fashion designer (voiced by the Director, Brad Bird). She just about stole the show, which is no mean feat in a class act like this.
Thursday, December 16
Forty facts to honour reaching forty.
1. I’m an only child. I nearly killed my Mum clawing my way out 40 years ago. I made such a mess no brothers or sisters were possible. I went home from hospital a full month before Mum. Dad didn’t know what hit him. Mum still has the staples they used to seal her up.
2. When I was two I fell down a flight of stairs at home and smashed through a glass door.
3. When I was five I was knocked down while crossing a busy road carrying my pet Spaniel. The dog was killed and I suffered broken ribs and a punctured lung.
4. Early career signals pointed to ‘stunt man’.
5. I was operated on at ten years for an undescended testicle.
6. I was in the last stream of ‘11-plus’ students in Northumberland. I passed so got to go to a grammar school. Parents were pleased initially then hysterical when they saw the cost of the uniform and assorted PE kit needed.
7. I was addicted to swimming for a few pre-teenage years. Monday to Friday after school I would go the local baths for a few hours then race home starving and ask for beans on toast and a glass of milk. Today the smell of chlorine still brings back warm, fuzzy and comforting memories.
8. I loved Saturday afternoons. A lunchtime matinee (usually a Doctor Who movie or something insipid from the Childrens Film Foundation) followed by a trip to Rumbelows to listen to chart singles in the listening booths. First record bought with my own money – Dance With The Devil by Cozy Powell.
9. I was always tapping my fingers or my desk with a pen so I was given a second-hand drumkit for Christmas when I was thirteen. There followed a succession of rhythm duties for crappy after-school bands playing Buzzcocks and Clash covers. I took such good care of those drums that Mum made a profit when they were sold three years later.
10. I left school at sixteen with 5 ‘O’ level passes. I collected another (art history) two years later.
11. I finished my final paper-round on a Saturday night and started work full-time down a coal mine two days later. I was offered an electrical engineering apprenticeship by the NCB (National Coal Board) because my Dad was a miner. He didn’t want me to take it but it was the choice of two more years at school versus £100 a week so it wasn’t really a hard decision to make. I wish I’d stayed at school.
12. I only lasted three years because of the miners strike in 1984. I hated the work and I hated the men I worked with so the strike was a blessing for me. I liked the communal showers. I liked the money.
13. I moved South when the miners strike started. I never returned.
14. It was the best decision I ever made.
15. I waited till I was legal (twenty one) before starting a sex life. I don’t regret this.
16. Sex was a revelation and was my raison d’etre for a while. Then I got bored.
17. I’ve been in love three times. And I’m still in love with the third.
18. I can handle my drink and know when to stop (usually).
19. I’m intolerant of drunks and alcoholics (long story and this is not the place for it).
20. I’ve been asked to join the Freemasons twice. I refused twice.
21. I’ve seen the burning bush (it wasn’t burning).
22. I smoke approximately twenty cigarettes a week.
23. I like cities more than the country.
24. I like brash Northern seaside towns more than Southern ‘faux riviera’ fakery.
25. My cynicism was the qualification that got me the job I have now. I deal with some dreadful people from dreadful countries who do dreadful things to win business. My cynicism and distrust protects and defends those I assist.
26. From January next year I shall be responsible for one highly corrupt nation instead of the eleven I look after now.
27. I look best in blue.
28. I don’t always wash my hands after peeing.
29. My favourite food is chocolate (I chose this because it is the item that I would find hardest to give up forever). This is also my favourite bed linen colour.
30. I have a high pain threshold.
31. These things make me laugh: people falling over and stepping in dog poop, coats and seat belts hanging out of car doors, old people on icy pavements, really fat people puffing for breath in the pie aisle at the supermarket, overly confident and camp gay men (especially with a handbag and scarf set), grey haired and penny-spectacle wearing elderly lesbians, talking dogs, goats and monkeys bums.
32. I would do anything for love but I won’t do that.
33. I am uber-observant.
34. I don’t spread gossip but I do listen to it (I like to stay informed).
35. I’m a neat freak. Tidy tidy tidy.
36. I prefer a night in to a night out.
37. Steel Magnolias, Never Been Kissed and The Return Of The King all made me cry.
38. I am forty.
39. I’m crap at counting.
1. I’m an only child. I nearly killed my Mum clawing my way out 40 years ago. I made such a mess no brothers or sisters were possible. I went home from hospital a full month before Mum. Dad didn’t know what hit him. Mum still has the staples they used to seal her up.
2. When I was two I fell down a flight of stairs at home and smashed through a glass door.
3. When I was five I was knocked down while crossing a busy road carrying my pet Spaniel. The dog was killed and I suffered broken ribs and a punctured lung.
4. Early career signals pointed to ‘stunt man’.
5. I was operated on at ten years for an undescended testicle.
6. I was in the last stream of ‘11-plus’ students in Northumberland. I passed so got to go to a grammar school. Parents were pleased initially then hysterical when they saw the cost of the uniform and assorted PE kit needed.
7. I was addicted to swimming for a few pre-teenage years. Monday to Friday after school I would go the local baths for a few hours then race home starving and ask for beans on toast and a glass of milk. Today the smell of chlorine still brings back warm, fuzzy and comforting memories.
8. I loved Saturday afternoons. A lunchtime matinee (usually a Doctor Who movie or something insipid from the Childrens Film Foundation) followed by a trip to Rumbelows to listen to chart singles in the listening booths. First record bought with my own money – Dance With The Devil by Cozy Powell.
9. I was always tapping my fingers or my desk with a pen so I was given a second-hand drumkit for Christmas when I was thirteen. There followed a succession of rhythm duties for crappy after-school bands playing Buzzcocks and Clash covers. I took such good care of those drums that Mum made a profit when they were sold three years later.
10. I left school at sixteen with 5 ‘O’ level passes. I collected another (art history) two years later.
11. I finished my final paper-round on a Saturday night and started work full-time down a coal mine two days later. I was offered an electrical engineering apprenticeship by the NCB (National Coal Board) because my Dad was a miner. He didn’t want me to take it but it was the choice of two more years at school versus £100 a week so it wasn’t really a hard decision to make. I wish I’d stayed at school.
12. I only lasted three years because of the miners strike in 1984. I hated the work and I hated the men I worked with so the strike was a blessing for me. I liked the communal showers. I liked the money.
13. I moved South when the miners strike started. I never returned.
14. It was the best decision I ever made.
15. I waited till I was legal (twenty one) before starting a sex life. I don’t regret this.
16. Sex was a revelation and was my raison d’etre for a while. Then I got bored.
17. I’ve been in love three times. And I’m still in love with the third.
18. I can handle my drink and know when to stop (usually).
19. I’m intolerant of drunks and alcoholics (long story and this is not the place for it).
20. I’ve been asked to join the Freemasons twice. I refused twice.
21. I’ve seen the burning bush (it wasn’t burning).
22. I smoke approximately twenty cigarettes a week.
23. I like cities more than the country.
24. I like brash Northern seaside towns more than Southern ‘faux riviera’ fakery.
25. My cynicism was the qualification that got me the job I have now. I deal with some dreadful people from dreadful countries who do dreadful things to win business. My cynicism and distrust protects and defends those I assist.
26. From January next year I shall be responsible for one highly corrupt nation instead of the eleven I look after now.
27. I look best in blue.
28. I don’t always wash my hands after peeing.
29. My favourite food is chocolate (I chose this because it is the item that I would find hardest to give up forever). This is also my favourite bed linen colour.
30. I have a high pain threshold.
31. These things make me laugh: people falling over and stepping in dog poop, coats and seat belts hanging out of car doors, old people on icy pavements, really fat people puffing for breath in the pie aisle at the supermarket, overly confident and camp gay men (especially with a handbag and scarf set), grey haired and penny-spectacle wearing elderly lesbians, talking dogs, goats and monkeys bums.
32. I would do anything for love but I won’t do that.
33. I am uber-observant.
34. I don’t spread gossip but I do listen to it (I like to stay informed).
35. I’m a neat freak. Tidy tidy tidy.
36. I prefer a night in to a night out.
37. Steel Magnolias, Never Been Kissed and The Return Of The King all made me cry.
38. I am forty.
39. I’m crap at counting.
Wednesday, December 15
I've been at home this morning teaching the dog Husker Du songs on his new guitar. He's getting better. Off to work now in a smart suit as I have a dinner tonight at a posh hotel with important people from foreign countries in honour of Kazakhstan Independence day. We had our office Christmas 'do' yesterday. After last years fiasco in a smart west-end restaurant we decided to just go to the pub then a pizza restaurant then back to the pub. Much more relaxing too. Darren has his 'do' today and they are off skating at the open air rink at Somerset House then ten-pin bowling and then to a top nightclub. The private sector celebrate Christmas so much more elegantly than the Government don't you think. I think I'll ask for my sheeps eye-ball appetizer tonight to be placed in a doggy bag. Anyone want it?
Tuesday, December 14
It was my birthday on the 12th but we decided to celebrate it on the 10th as the 12th would be spent travelling home. I woke at 8am, opened the curtains to admire the view of the lake, grabbed the newspaper from the corridor and got back into bed. Darren gave me a birthday card and some swish chocolates so we ate them with a pint of milk wearing our pajamas. He then told me about my 'proper' present: 5 days in NYC in June! He spoils me (but I think I'm worth it). The rest of the day was spent driving up and down US192 looking for a BestBuy store. We failed so we went to MGM/Disney Studios at 4pm to ride the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster and see the Osborne Christmas Lights Spectacular (and they were). Dinner that night was at Red Lobster (paper-thin lobster pizza and a shrimp extravaganza) followed by a tub of Ben and Jerry's each back at the room. Pigs.
Monday, December 13
On our first night on holiday we ate here (I thoroughly recommend the lobster linguini) then went for a stroll among the upscale shops and nightclubs in Downtown Disney. As we walked past The House Of Blues we took a look at the forthcoming attractions and were flabbergasted to discover that the Scissor Sisters were playing the next night. We'd missed Morrissey by a week and Muse were playing two nights after the SS (but we weren't that desperate for stuff to do in the evenings). We bought tickets the next morning and saw the SS blow the roof off that tiny (but impeccably designed) venue. After seeing them in Blackpool last month with 4000 other folk it felt slightly voyeuristic watching them in a small crowd of local trendy homo's. Jake told the crowd he'd spent the day at MGM/Disney Studios watching Jim Hensons final creation 'Muppet Vision 3D' and 'daddy-spotting' (one of our favourite pastimes too). We got drunk on lots of pissy American beer then suffered terribly the next day (it took a full six days to summon the nerve to let alcohol pass my lips). Dread to think the mood I'd have been in if we'd looked at that 'forthcoming attractions' poster just a day later.
Saturday, December 11
Orlando airport 6pm (11pm UK time). I'll be 40 years old in one hour. We celebrated that fact yesterday though with a visit to the barbers to get my ear hairs trimmed. Too many stories to tell at the moment (25c a minute!!). Thank you BW for the great birthday card (how did you get Edward to pose for that?). Highlights of the past two weeks have included seeing the Scissor Sisters live at the House Of Blues, Cirque Du Soleil, the hot weather, the pancakes with maple syrup, swimming as the sun rises, walking straight onto all the rides at the parks, Dickies jeans for $11, dinner with Tyne Daly and sniffing Wynona Judds hair.
My job changed while I was away so I need to get a new hat for my return on Tuesday. Our water pipes burst in the kitchen at home 6 hours before we left for the airport so we get home later today to no water and no heating and a visit from a cowboy plumber. Did I mention it will be my birthday too? Missed you all.
My job changed while I was away so I need to get a new hat for my return on Tuesday. Our water pipes burst in the kitchen at home 6 hours before we left for the airport so we get home later today to no water and no heating and a visit from a cowboy plumber. Did I mention it will be my birthday too? Missed you all.
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