I bought this a few days ago and it's stunning. Real life is now on pause. *stares at office clock willing it to fast-forward so I can go home and tend my empire*

Noon Thursday. Cups of coffee, bowls of porridge and cigarettes so far - 1 of each. Number of miles added to Virgin flyers club following complaint about entertainment on December flight from Orlando - 10,000 (result!). Bowel movements - 1. Craving tuna steak with lemon dressing at the moment. Wine and cheese with Ministers at 1pm (digs round in messy drawers for suitable tie).

9pm. Foul evening. Halfway home at 6pm then remembered forgot something at work so had to go back. Then got drenched in icy rain. Had hot bath then took dog out. Got drenched again. Dinner of tomato soup and a weight watchers mousse cheered me up a little. BF oop north at Granny's funeral and not back till Monday. I'm not good at being alone. I know I have the dog but even he seems to zone out when I start talking to him. Bowel movements so far today - 2. Cigarettes - 4 (none left now). I'm going to bed soon with a DVD - Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown.

Wednesday 11am. Cups of coffee - 1. Cups of tea - 2. Porridge for breakfast (spellcnut recipe - 50% oats, 25% milk, 25% water, teaspoon of splenda. 3 weight watchers points and very filling). Cadbury's chocolate eclair toffee's - 1. Short back 'n' sides in Islington on the way to work (Iranian barber who wants to nuke Israel - no tip for being hateful). LCD Soundsystem album plays since last night - 4 (it's really very good). Have you noticed how the Baxters soup cans now have 'Audrey Baxter' on the label instead of 'Ena Baxter'? Musta been a soupcoup.

3pm. Just laughed so much at this and a little bit of pee came out. Check out 'Elaine ripped me off'.

4pm. Disappointed with the lack of snow? Then this is for you. I stood next to Chris Martin at the urinal once. It was all yellow.

Tuesday 11am. Got up at 7.30. Coffee and porridge (pleased to see in newspaper this morning that porridge is the No1 breakfast according to a nutritionist). Walked Edward in the park (he moved his bowels once and cocked his leg several times). Re-attached my handlebar mufflers to my scooter and drove to work. Boss rang in sick (yippee!). Cup of tea. Looking forward to tikka masala chicken ready meal at noon. Tried to talk to friend, Tom, in Moscow but his scary PA refuses to put me through. Sun streaming through the blinds and onto my desk. Text bf and ask him to bring home LCD Soundsystem album. Silently hate desk neighbour for eating Gregg's sausage rolls all day and remaining stick thin. Cigarettes - nil. Bowel movements - nil.

4pm. Bowel movements - 2 (hurrah!). Curry - delish. Glasses of water - 2. Cups of tea so far - 1. Phone conversations with bf - 2. Number of drunk assistants following 2 hour lunch - 1. Songs downloaded - 1 (a Dolly Parton piece for Elsie).

Midnight. Dinner was sausage and beans with coffee and a weight watchers mousse for afters. Saw Million Dollar Baby and it was fabulous. Cigarettes smoked today - 2. Baths taken - 1. Hours spent putting rubbish on ebay - 1. Bedtime.

I have no inspiration or inclination to write anything with any substance at the moment. I look around at my regular reads and jealously note that they are all in full swing which makes me feel guilty. I don't want to take a blog holiday (they are soooo 2003) so, in lieu of anything better spewing out, I shall post the brainless minutae of my days until I gather pace once more.

1pm Monday. At work. Cigarettes so far - 1 (there's only 1 left in the packet and I shall enjoy it after dinner tonight). Porridge for breakfast. Lunch was a Sainsburys chicken jalfrezi microwave meal (buy 2 get £1 off so there's another in the fridge at work for tomorrow) and a tin of pear halves. Flicked through the papers and was pleased to see that Bez won Big Brother (didn't even put the TV on yesterday). Dropped scooter off here this morning for engine rebuild. Hopefully ready by 6pm tonight. Cups of tea today - 2. Music listened to - none (though I was ironing shirts after midnight last night listening to The Dears album so technically I have listened to some music today). Bowel movements - none. Work done - ahem.

2pm. Remembers that LCD Soundsystem album comes out today so cheers up a little.

11pm. Bowel movements - 1. Scooter collected. Cigarettes smoked - 2 (total all day). Dinner was salmon sandwiches with shredded wheat for pudding. Watched Coronation Street, Eastenders and the new Robson Green thriller (phwoar!). Bath now. Then bed. Goodnight.

Been a weird week. Darrens gran died last night so we've not had much sleep. She was lovely and gave me some posh biscuits just last week. When Darren was a nipper he used to have his tea with her and apparently she made the most sublime salmon sandwich. Thanks for everything you did for Darren, Doris.

Vespa off the road due to gaskets and seals corroding inside a nine month old engine. Good job it's still under warranty. So, I've been using the tube. £2.80 for a single journey!!! Thats how much petrol I buy in just a week. And I have a fifteen minute walk to my underground station which is not how I like to start my day. It's not even an interesting walk past shops or through parks, just a mile and a half of terraced houses and factory units. Dull. Thank god for this and the back-catalogue from here. The minimal electronica and instrumental hip hop from Tokyo Dawn Records keeps me distracted during my journey.

Restructuring at work now complete. I have a new boss and a new remit. I'm off to St Petersburg in March and Santiago later in the year. Which should be nice after slogging round the hell holes of Central Asia for the last eight years.
*googles for rollercoasters in Chile*

The funniest lady in Los Angeles got a new bike for Chrsistmas and I am soooo jealous. What a beaut! (Link fixed!)

The storms in the North West last week blew our tv aerial off the roof in Blackpool. So we joined a movie rental shop and rented movies. I wanted to see 24 Hour Party People again because I enjoyed it so much last time. Recent X Factor contestant Rowetta was playing herself in the film and she showed how she got so far in the competition by proving she can 'chop out' a quality line. Did you know that there are now 2 movies about Ian Curtis in pre-production? Stepford Wives was awful (pretty hair and frocks though). Bad points: Bette Midler was underused and Matthew Broderick didn't do a shower scene (his upper arms were very big though). The Weight Of Water was the most unthrilling thriller I've ever seen. Shame on Kathryn Bigelow. Only Sean Penns wispy tache saved it from being switched off. Camp was brilliant. Funny, moving, musical and uber gay. A truly independent movie in attitude, subject and financing.

It was lovely to be on the sands in a biting wind chasing the bairn and throwing stones for him.

Gone to Blackpool. Back on Monday. Be good.

Need a laugh? Then go and read uber-talent Joe. I'm honoured to be included in the 'gayest thing you've ever done' post. She got in on the act too (love ya sweetie!).

Tommy in Coronation Street is a bit annoyed at the moment as his son has discovered death metal and black nail varnish. He's forbidden him to go to Manchester Apollo to see a band so his wife reminds him about sneaking out of the house when he was 16 to go to the Futurama Festival in Leeds to see Joy Division! I went to that 'do' too. It was in 1979. Cabaret Voltaire, OMD, PiL and A Certain Ration were also on the bill. I have no recollection of the performances. I saw Joy Division a month later at Newcastle City hall supporting The Buzzcocks (or rather I didn't see them as I was outside with the other underage smokers killing time till The Buzzcocks came on). I went to Futurama for the next two years and watched as Joy Divison morphed into New Order. But in 1980 Siouxsie stole the show and Vice Versa played and they went on to become ABC and some young upstarts called U2 showed promise. The Frantic Elevators also played and their singer was called Mick Hucknall. The Young Marble Giants and Durutti Column were my favourites. The 1983 Futurama was held at Deeside Leisure Centre and we camped on the football pitch. After our first night we awoke to find a terrifying Pete Burns applying his make up in a car next to our tent (Dead Or Alive, still unknown at that time, were playing the noon slot). Anyway, my point is, Coronation Street is sooooo new wave these days.

Because life is too short to listen to Snow Patrol I have stolen *adopts smeagle type voice* the masters blogroll and pasted it to your right. I've a feeling this year is going to be more 128 than 192.

Dunno whether I'm apalled or over the moon about the use of 'Dance' by ESG on a new Toyota car ad. God knows they probably need the money so I think I'll be happy for them. Just remember, these queens of NYC no-wave played at the opening night of Factory's Hacienda and the closing night of the Paradise Garage. My favourite album this week is practically a homage to ESG and their no-wave mates. Next week I expect to hear some microhouse classic (thank you TD for turning me on to this minimalist-disco-stuff) used in an ad for Hovis.

Alan Bennett likes to sit in a hotel lobby and construct stories about the guests who wander in and out. Here's a great blog dedicated to such a pastime. *wets pants laughing at December 7th*

Most happy to report that the crappy Shameless Christmas special was a one-off and that if the rest of the series is as brilliant as tonights opening episode then we're all in for a mighty treat. We do all watch it don't we?

The DFA Compilation #2 is frikken ace. Buy/steal it if you like fucked up discopunkfunk. Brought to you by the studly James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem. Bought the new Morrissey album again as this version comes with an extra cd of b-sides. Don't make fun of daddy's voice, he can't help it. When he was young something got stuck in his throat. I met Sal Solo once. He wore a cape and looked ridiculous.

Underpants. Far too tight and white for my liking but on a windy, cold and grey morning I'm strangely transfixed. The dry collection is best and you can use your mouse to spin the fellas round! *grabs last of Christmas walnuts to crack on those butts*

We watched Goodfellas on TCM on New Years Eve. We'd seen it before but were still gobsmacked at it's brilliance (so engrossed we didn't even notice midnight come and go). We've seen two Colin Farrell movies in the past few weeks in which he 'does gay' very convincingly. Alexander and A Home At The End Of The World were both disappointing (both films have an impeccable pedigree so came to us loaded with potential) but are still worth a quick shufty if you're bored. Unlike George And Mildred The Movie which we also watched. Once the novelty of Yootha Joyces outfits had worn off (5-10 mintes) it became very tedious. Grand Theft Parsons was a great film about stealing corpses and burning them in the desert. Johnny Knoxville was very good and has whetted my appetite for his John Waters debut in A Dirty Shame (unfortunately no UK release date yet and it opened in the States in September last year!). No wonder DVD piracy is rampant (and yes, that does mean if anyone has a pirated copy of A Dirty Shame I will gladly purchase a copy from them).